A long story.
I am from Boulder, Colorado. If you’ve never heard of it, well… I don’t know what to say about that. It’s a place where all the rich hippies live. Didn’t think there could be such a thing as rich hippies? Well, then you haven’t been to Boulder… or at least haven’t lived there. That being sad, it’s a magical land where pedestrians always have the right of way and everyone rides their bicycle down main highways. That’s a lie, not everyone, but some of the rich hippies and most of the regular hippies do. That being sad, you’d think you would be able to conclude two things about me: I can walk the streets without fear and I’m in shape. Like I said, you would think you could conclude those things about me, but you would be wrong. This post really only has to do with the first of those two things.
Today I was walking to Ace Hardware, about seven blocks from where I live, to pick up a cable splitter. Let me tell you, first, that I cannot function without my ipod, I hate walking down the street having to listen to different conversations that people have because sometimes you just want to tell them that they are clearly naive and ignorant, but you’re not actually allowed to do that because then you would look like a pedant, and that’s kind of annoying too. Anyway, that’s not actually my ipod, mine is way better, it’s got pictures of Rockies players on it. Yeah, it has pictures of Rockies players on it, and no pictures of my friends. That’s the kind of life I have…
Anyway, with that in mind, when you’ve got an outside stimulus, for the most part, your cognition is lowered meaning that your brain function as a whole essentially goes down. While this is semi the case with my ipod, I’m very good about being aware of what’s going on around me, like hearing sirens, or if I was involved in something cool like an action flick and a car drives up on the sidewalk, I would probably be able to jump out of the way. So, this coincides with people talking on a cell phone. All kinds of places tried to implement this thing where you have to have a hands free device when you drive, but holding the cell phone isn’t actually the problem. You’re involved in a conversation which means you’re paying attention to the person talking and not to your driving.
I jump around a lot in my blogs, have you noticed that? That’s one of the reasons that I’m really awful at interviews and conversations in general, is because my mind is in so many places and sometimes it feels like I just drank like… twelve Red Bulls, ya know, gives you wings? Or whatever it’s supposed to do… make you hyper… something like that. Actually, I’ve never really had a Red Bull, I mean, not without vodka, so I don’t actually know what it would do to me. I know, brilliant right? Mixing a depressant with a stimulant. Of course, I don’t know if Red Bull would actually do anything to me because I have some ADD so for the most part, caffeine just puts me to sleep. Is that what’s in a Red Bull? I don’t know. Not important.
Anyway, after my conversation with many people, and by many, I mean like… five, it’s come to my attention that Colorado has the worst drivers ever. I didn’t actually think this was true, I mean, people in California, New York, or Chicago must be worse. No, I’ve known people from California and Chicago, and they all agree that Colorado has the worst drivers. People here all like to drive their gigantic 7 miles per gallon Hummers that aren’t actually designed to drive up in the mountains and take up eight parking spots. Coloradans don’t actually pay attention when they drive, and I should know, I’m one of them. I mean, I pay attention, but I’m out on the road with lots of people who have some serious road rage and probably need to be in therapy. Bwah ha! But look at this picture I just found:
Colorado isn’t even on there!!! But, that doesn’t mean we don’t have bad drivers.
As I said before, being from Boulder, you’d think that I would just walk out into the street with the assumption that the world will put on it’s brakes for me. I have these completely ridiculous and incredibly irrational fears. One of my biggest fears is arachnids. I don’t even like to see the s-word, I had to put arachnids because that’s not as bad. Anyway, I am so scared of them, I run away even at the smallest one. It’s completely absurd because I could just step on the stupid thing. No, instead, I vamoose out of wherever the thing is. Oh man, like this one time, I was staying at a friends house, and she doesn’t have any fear of arachnids and bought this book all about them and set it next to my bed. Anyway, I go to sleep and the next morning I wake up and see that I’ve set my pants on this book. Well, I don’t want to have to look at the book when I go to put on my pants, so I decide that I am going to move them, and what actually crawls out from the freaking book?!?! That’s right, an arachnid. Everyone was sleeping, so I had to contain my fear, but I almost peed my pants. Another fear that I have is being abducted by aliens. Why this is a fear, I have no idea. I’m not a hick, I don’t live around corn, and I’m not a world leader, so I shouldn’t actually have anything to fear. I think I actually saw the movie Signs when I was 18; I’m 23 now and I still can’t watch it alone. I get really scared that aliens are going to come and try to abduct me. Or, oh!!! Like that creepy scene inthe movie where the alien’s hand like thing is like reaching under the door, oh man, I’m freaking myself out just thinking about it, I don’t know why I even let myself think of that. I also have this large fear of being hit by a car. I walk a lot down to the 16th Street Mall when I go on job hunts and it’s like… an eleven block walk from my house. Even if there are no cars coming, I have to wait until the little red hand turns to the little walking dude and even then, I have to look both ways like ten times before I cross the street. I had a professor in college who told us that pedestrians are hit the most frequently when they cross during the little hand thing, but they have the most deadly hits when they have that little walking man thing. You’d think that would cause me to evade those walking guys and cross when there’s a red hand. Don’t be ridiculous. Pedestrians are hit the most frequently when they cross at that time. I still check like ten times even when there’s a walking dude. I mean, what are you supposed to do? Not cross the street?
Okay, so here’s how all this ties in. When I walk places, I always make sure that the car is going to give me the right of way. If the driver easily has time to go whatever direction they are and are sitting there waiting, I will out-wait them until they give me the little waving hand signal that I can cross. And since I have headphones in, it won’t do any good to verbally tell me to cross the street; plus, I can’t read lips. So today, as I’m walking to Ace Hardware, I come across a girl who is at a stop sign. This is your typical looking Paris Hilton wannabe type girl, with the sunglasses that take over 90% of her face, she probably had on leggings and those gross boots and has the same attitude as Paris Hilton that she’s better than society. Anyway, she kept looking at me impatiently
and finally gave me the “what are you waiting for stupid pedestrian?” wave. As I’m crossing the street, I wave and say thank you (I always say it outloud like they can hear me or something) and she rolls her eyes at me. Apparently, my fear of getting run down by an automotive vehicle caused her to wait a whole extra ten seconds which evidently enraged her. This happens quite frequently, not necessarily with Hilton looking girls, but with people in general.
It just so happens that when I also am driving in and out of Denver, people like to go faster than 75 mph on I-25 and will run you over if you’re doing anything under 90. This also happens to me quite frequently. Of course, I have no idea what to do about it, I mean, you just have to get out of the way because who wants to get run down by one of those gigantic Hummers?
So, can you now conclude two things about me? I can’t drive or walk in Denver. I think I’m doomed.
1. Photo courtesy: http://www.nonstopmac.com
2. Photo courtesy: kempster.com
3. Photo courtesy: image.motortrend.com
4. Photo courtesy: wtfurls.com