A long story.

I am from Boulder, Colorado. If you’ve never heard of it, well… I don’t know what to say about that. It’s a place where all the rich hippies live. Didn’t think there could be such a thing as rich hippies? Well, then you haven’t been to Boulder… or at least haven’t lived there. That being sad, it’s a magical land where pedestrians always have the right of way and everyone rides their bicycle down main highways. That’s a lie, not everyone, but some of the rich hippies and most of the regular hippies do. That being sad, you’d think you would be able to conclude two things about me: I can walk the streets without fear and I’m in shape. Like I said, you would think you could conclude those things about me, but you would be wrong. This post really only has to do with the first of those two things.
ipod-touch.jpg
Today I was walking to Ace Hardware, about seven blocks from where I live, to pick up a cable splitter. Let me tell you, first, that I cannot function without my ipod, I hate walking down the street having to listen to different conversations that people have because sometimes you just want to tell them that they are clearly naive and ignorant, but you’re not actually allowed to do that because then you would look like a pedant, and that’s kind of annoying too. Anyway, that’s not actually my ipod, mine is way better, it’s got pictures of Rockies players on it. Yeah, it has pictures of Rockies players on it, and no pictures of my friends. That’s the kind of life I have…

Anyway, with that in mind, when you’ve got an outside stimulus, for the most part, your cognition is lowered meaning that your brain function as a whole essentially goes down. While this is semi the case with my ipod, I’m very good about being aware of what’s going on around me, like hearing sirens, or if I was involved in something cool like an action flick and a car drives up on the sidewalk, I would probably be able to jump out of the way. So, this coincides with people talking on a cell phone. All kinds of places tried to implement this thing where you have to have a hands free device when you drive, but holding the cell phone isn’t actually the problem. You’re involved in a conversation which means you’re paying attention to the person talking and not to your driving.

I jump around a lot in my blogs, have you noticed that? That’s one of the reasons that I’m really awful at interviews and conversations in general, is because my mind is in so many places and sometimes it feels like I just drank like… twelve Red Bulls, ya know, gives you wings? Or whatever it’s supposed to do… make you hyper… something like that. Actually, I’ve never really had a Red Bull, I mean, not without vodka, so I don’t actually know what it would do to me. I know, brilliant right? Mixing a depressant with a stimulant. Of course, I don’t know if Red Bull would actually do anything to me because I have some ADD so for the most part, caffeine just puts me to sleep. Is that what’s in a Red Bull? I don’t know. Not important.

RoadRage.jpgAnyway, after my conversation with many people, and by many, I mean like… five, it’s come to my attention that Colorado has the worst drivers ever. I didn’t actually think this was true, I mean, people in California, New York, or Chicago must be worse. No, I’ve known people from California and Chicago, and they all agree that Colorado has the worst drivers. People here all like to drive their gigantic 7 miles per gallon Hummers that aren’t actually designed to drive up in the mountains and take up eight parking spots. Coloradans don’t actually pay attention when they drive, and I should know, I’m one of them. I mean, I pay attention, but I’m out on the road with lots of people who have some serious road rage and probably need to be in therapy. Bwah ha! But look at this picture I just found:

road-rage-graphic.jpg Colorado isn’t even on there!!! But, that doesn’t mean we don’t have bad drivers.

As I said before, being from Boulder, you’d think that I would just walk out into the street with the assumption that the world will put on it’s brakes for me. I have these completely ridiculous and incredibly irrational fears. One of my biggest fears is arachnids. I don’t even like to see the s-word, I had to put arachnids because that’s not as bad. Anyway, I am so scared of them, I run away even at the smallest one. It’s completely absurd because I could just step on the stupid thing. No, instead, I vamoose out of wherever the thing is. Oh man, like this one time, I was staying at a friends house, and she doesn’t have any fear of arachnids and bought this book all about them and set it next to my bed. Anyway, I go to sleep and the next morning I wake up and see that I’ve set my pants on this book. Well, I don’t want to have to look at the book when I go to put on my pants, so I decide that I am going to move them, and what actually crawls out from the freaking book?!?! That’s right, an arachnid. Everyone was sleeping, so I had to contain my fear, but I almost peed my pants. Another fear that I have is being abducted by aliens. Why this is a fear, I have no idea. I’m not a hick, I don’t live around corn, and I’m not a world leader, so I shouldn’t actually have anything to fear. I think I actually saw the movie Signs when I was 18; I’m 23 now and I still can’t watch it alone. I get really scared that aliens are going to come and try to abduct me. Or, oh!!! Like that creepy scene inPedestrian.jpgthe movie where the alien’s hand like thing is like reaching under the door, oh man, I’m freaking myself out just thinking about it, I don’t know why I even let myself think of that. I also have this large fear of being hit by a car. I walk a lot down to the 16th Street Mall when I go on job hunts and it’s like… an eleven block walk from my house. Even if there are no cars coming, I have to wait until the little red hand turns to the little walking dude and even then, I have to look both ways like ten times before I cross the street. I had a professor in college who told us that pedestrians are hit the most frequently when they cross during the little hand thing, but they have the most deadly hits when they have that little walking man thing. You’d think that would cause me to evade those walking guys and cross when there’s a red hand. Don’t be ridiculous. Pedestrians are hit the most frequently when they cross at that time. I still check like ten times even when there’s a walking dude. I mean, what are you supposed to do? Not cross the street?

Okay, so here’s how all this ties in. When I walk places, I always make sure that the car is going to give me the right of way. If the driver easily has time to go whatever direction they are and are sitting there waiting, I will out-wait them until they give me the little waving hand signal that I can cross. And since I have headphones in, it won’t do any good to verbally tell me to cross the street; plus, I can’t read lips. So today, as I’m walking to Ace Hardware, I come across a girl who is at a stop sign. This is your typical looking Paris Hilton wannabe type girl, with the sunglasses that take over 90% of her face, she probably had on leggings and those gross boots and has the same attitude as Paris Hilton that she’s better than society. Anyway, she kept looking at me impatiently
and finally gave me the “what are you waiting for stupid pedestrian?” wave. As I’m crossing the street, I wave and say thank you (I always say it outloud like they can hear me or something) and she rolls her eyes at me. Apparently, my fear of getting run down by an automotive vehicle caused her to wait a whole extra ten seconds which evidently enraged her. This happens quite frequently, not necessarily with Hilton looking girls, but with people in general.

It just so happens that when I also am driving in and out of Denver, people like to go faster than 75 mph on I-25 and will run you over if you’re doing anything under 90. This also happens to me quite frequently. Of course, I have no idea what to do about it, I mean, you just have to get out of the way because who wants to get run down by one of those gigantic Hummers?

So, can you now conclude two things about me? I can’t drive or walk in Denver. I think I’m doomed.

 

1. Photo courtesy: http://www.nonstopmac.com
2. Photo courtesy: kempster.com
3. Photo courtesy: image.motortrend.com
4. Photo courtesy: wtfurls.com

12 Comments

I’m living in a boring/dull/quiet town called Broomfield, Colorado I doubt anybody’s ever heard of it other then the attention it had for the 9/11 memorial ceremony in 2005/06 (I was there & I got pix to prove it) but that’s it. although my mom keeps telling me that some of the Rockies players come to some small gym place in Broomfield IDK what street it’s on but it’s by my bank, IDK weather to believe her or not because I’ve never been to that gym.Missyhttp://rocktober-2007.mlblogs.comP.S.: driving on I-25 is like driving in the Daytona 500 almost everyday, even during the summer when my folks take me downtown to work at Coors Field.

No Emily – there are people like that everywhere. They feel entitled and if they have to wait 3 extra seconds their life might end. Forget about ‘em! And me – snakes! Oh lord I can not STAND snakes. We had garter snakes living under the front steps at our last home – freaked me out!

Julia
http://werbiefitz.mlblogs.com/

After living in Chicago (the actual city rather than the suburbs) for four years in college, I’ve come to the conclusion that crossing the street in that city is hazardous to your health. I hated driving through LA to get to San Diego from San Francisco, so I can only imagine how terrifying it must be to actually walk in that city. I wonder how so many people get to be such bad drivers.
Jen
http://ajroxmywhitesox.mlblogs.com

Nice post. I concluded thought, that rich hippies driving their 7 mile per gallon hummers are terrible drivers. ;)

I’m glad I came across this blog, look forward to more.

Greg
Red Sox Ramblings: http://thevendahhh.mlblogs.com

Emily, they make medications that can help you now. ;-)
I know lots of people who don’t like the “things with 8 legs”, my sister being one of them. She totally freaks!
Sue
Rants, Raves, and Random Thoughts

Emily, your blog is a interesting Read. When you talked about your ipod having pictures of Rockies players on it instead of friends, I didn’t feel so alone. It made me laugh actually. Oh & by the way I totally agree with you about our States Drivers! I have to walk or ride the Bus in order to get around so I should know all too well, Nathan.

Emily- I love the description of the gal who almost ran you over. So you’re saying you’re not rocking the glasses that are so big you only have a chin on your face with the rest covered by the glasses?! At least I don’t have to worry about that when we chill at Coors this season : ) Try living in Cali for awhile and driving say the 101 in rush hour. It makes I-25 look tame. Remind me to tell you my cool Boulder walking on the hill story. It involves a drunk hobo and trash can through windows!
Tom
http://rockymountainway.mlblogs.com

New York does have some terrible drivers, but most of them are okay. Although last week I saw this guy driving down 145th street with a completely flat tire!
http://imbringingdiamondback.mlblogs.com

I feel ya Emily. Lakeshore Drive is supposed to be 45 mph but if you go that slow, you’ll get knocked into the lake.
–Jeff
http://redstatebluestate.mlblogs.com/

Emily,
Miami has terrible road rage and terrible drivers, one of the many things that I hate about it. I also hate bugs, but I can deal with some spiders. I had a bad experience with one over the summer… but my biggest fear are moths. Yes, that’s right moths (and butterflies). I am absolutely terrified of them.
-Elizabeth
http://redsoxgirl46.mlblogs.com

I can’t drive! YAY!
But seriously, you know how the walk/don’t walk signals count down the seconds until the yellow light? I was in DC and people started honking at me as soon as the countdown started. I wanted to hit someone.
Kylie — http://kylie.mlblogs.com

Hey Emily – Congrats on being #47 on the Latest Leader’s List!

Julia
http://werbiefitz.mlblogs.com/

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