As of December 23rd, 2008, I have yet to do any Christmas shopping. Tonight I found myself lying in my bed with the realization that Christmas Eve is tomorrow. It seems to have snuck up on me this year, maybe it does most years and I just don’t remember. However, my thought is this: is it just me or does it just not seem like the holiday season? I notice Christmas lights everywhere, practically dying by the enraged Colorado drivers rushing to get to the mall, and that those creepy Santa Clauses with the clearly fake beards (I just don’t see how kids don’t see through it)l; but there’s something here that’s lacking for me. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I’m just not in the “Christmas spirit.” It’s suddenly like this whole concept of Christmas is completely foreign to me.
I was born December 16th, and usually my relatives and friends just kind of mesh everything together, Christmas and birthday. After graduating, my birthday just kind of got lost in the chaos. As the years go by, I’ve noticed Christmas decorations being displayed before Halloween. I think a few years ago, I thought I should celebrate Hanukkah, that obviously didn’t happen because it started yesterday and I have yet to buy any one or receive a gift. Of course, it would have probably helped had I told people I was choosing to celebrate Hanukkah. I guess I don’t have a menorah either. Hmm… I didn’t prepare for either holiday very well. I guess, is it so wrong to feel so apathetic toward something that everybody makes a big deal of? My family keeps asking me what I want for Christmas, and I can’t really think of anything (an internship with the Rockies would be nice, but I don’t think that’s very reasonable to ask from them).
I think part of the reason I feel so lethargic is that the holidays just never became the same after my parents divorced. The first time I visited home from college, I found out my parents were getting divorced (nice welcome home), but I was old enough to understand that things were going to dramatically change. I’m not sure this apathy stems from that though, maybe slightly. I can tell you that I have low self-confidence and low self-esteem. Maybe part of me wants to see everyone else as miserable as I am. Hopefully that’s not entirely true and I actually want to see people happy. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.
It may be that the holidays are supposed to be a time for giving, for loving, and for valuing each other. Not necessarily those exclusively in your family, but to those all around. Living in such a mass consuming society, we often forget those values around the holiday season and find parents scrambling to get their kids Rock Band or Guitar Hero. Or that people are so engulfed in their own needs, that they over look anyone else. I went out to the mall in Loveland today to meet some friends for lunch, and I almost died trying to cross the street!!
Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t feel like any one else is really in the holiday mood. I could blame the economic crisis (the reason the Rockies aren’t accepting interns), but for the most part, that doesn’t seem to be making a whole lot of difference. Maybe I’m depressed. I use the term depressed loosely. By today’s standards, depressed and clinically depressed have become interchangeable, even though they really shouldn’t be.
I think I miss my friends. Now that the university is on it’s winter break, I’m not seeing my friends anymore or even as much. They’re all working, busy having to try and make money during this stupid time. I have yet to go out and search for a job since I’ll be moving to Denver pretty soon anyway. I guess I don’t entirely know what it is. This was just something I needed to get off my chest.